Grace

I am fed up, I wouldn’t say angry since to be angry requires energy and I’m just to lazy to get worked up about anything. I’m fed up with myself, with my lack of discipline, of my hypocrisy. I’m insecure about my appearance. I hate the words I speak mere moments after I say them. I’m frustrated with throwing away every good chance I’m given. I have no excuses, no reasons, no-one to blame but myself. My inadequacies  are my own fault. I told the lies, I hurt those people, I slacked off, I took the easy way out. I have and am and have done nothing. I don’t stand out, I don’t look like a failure. I wouldn’t tell you this if you asked. I just slip into the background, largely un-noticed, astounding average. I am a sinful, broken, small and weak human being.

However, even though i have let myself, and all those who (for whatever unknowable reason) care about me, down. I know I can walk tall, with a beaming smile and supreme confidence for I know I AM. I know HIM,  who is awesome amazing astounding, brilliant, beautiful, beyond all else. creative, caring and cool. he who is above al else, all powers, passions, fears and failings. He is glorious, gracious and greatness itself. He who may humble words could ramble on about forever. He has me in his hand, under his banner, covered by his wing, hidden in his very heart. The Lord God almighty, king of Heaven, Earth and all that lies between. the prince of peace, is my wonderful councilor, who calms the waters. And he who commands all says that I am his, and what is more I am forgiven. Not only this but through infinite eternal wisdom, love, compassion and power he has made me a co-heir with Christ. I am a son of the living loving Lord God of grace and glory.

And unto him I shall give my life as a living sacrifice, striving to be the best I can be, to live the life he planned for me. I shall sing and dance and shout of the greatness of my lord king and master. i shall rededicate myself everyday, every hour to his service. though I shall fail endlessly to uphold this task I have faith that his patience, forgiveness and grace will be sufficient to save my broken soul.

Yes I know I’m no better

So a couple of days ago I came home after going to an annual christian conference at the Detling county show ground. Unfortunately I didn’t have any very insightful moments, though looking back at it and discussing with my dear friend Lydia (whose blog you can read here) I have had some realisations.

Firstly, please don’t let any of my rantings of frustrations put you off God i assure all my grumblings concerning (any) religion are in no way against God himself.

Secondly, the church feels very pleased with itself at the moment with regards to working out that the idea of worship means to use your talents for Gods glory (i.e. to do a regular job as if you were doing it for God himself) and not just singing songs on a Sunday. we sing praises and live worship. however like so many things in the world there is no exhaustive list of things that count as worship or praise and they do often over lap. One of the speakers at the conference briefly talked about how there is an entire spectrum of culture reaching from hardcore rock to ballet and through fear of coursing offence the church has taken a thin slice from the very middle of this spectrum (folk music).  The problems is that the spark of creativity and originality that hauled church praise out of the age of hymns and awful chorus’s and gone out. and were left with dozens of eager genuine singer song writers all using the same wore out metaphors, chords and tunes. I am aware of Christian influences through out this spectrum of culture I mentioned I’m just annoyed that these influences don’t get used in churches without a special mention or occasion. My main concern is the harm these songs-by-numbers are doing, it makes praise easy, because we have no idea how to do it without singing, so what we sing needs to be able to be sung by everyone. This is lies! Praise is about expressing (as best we can) how Great God is. i personally have an awful voice and no musical talent (though I long pray and work towards one). I often feel scared to sing in church in case I put others off when they hear how bad I am, it soon passes when i realise its not for them. But still church should never be a place where anyone feels scared. i have friends who won’t go to church simple because they’re scared they’d stand or sit at the wrong time or say the wrong thing and embarrass themselves. The church needs to meet the needs of the people its ‘trying’ to reach. God didn’t make us all different so we could do and enjoy all the same things! So i propose we urge our song writers to compose challenging songs not just hard to sing but hard to just say with all your heart. and we start to explore other ways to praise. things like pray, sharing testimony’s even simply shouting or roaring “make a joyful noise to the LORD”. Ok enough ranting.

Thirdly, I was going to complain about preaching styles but it seems whenever I try to get my thoughts out I end up arguing with myself and proving that my complaint is unfounded. So through fear of being hypocritical I shall hold my tongue (I always think that word is spelt funny, tongue).

As good a place as any

It seems a good story never starts at the beginning anymore, which is understandable when you realise that the world didn’t just suddenly stat with you’re birthday. An obvious point but one I feel isn’t made enough. It’s all to easy to look back in books and film about our past and just think of it as a story and not fully grasp the fullness of the idea of just how many people have lived before you, how many minds have had these very same thoughts and hearts these emotions. To dwell on such things is to think about the sheer size of this wonderful universe of ours. Anyway the point of all this is that I’m not starting this blog at the beginning of my story since my story like everyone else’s start millennia before I was born. And so we come to the point, that as I start this blog I am fully aware that I’m going to have let a lot of background go unsaid for a while. Though hopefully I shall express myself so timelessly as to need no context. Though I feel this would contradict a principle of mine; to highly value context. For it is necessary to understanding any and everything. So in favour of actually making these recycled thoughts of use to anyone (including myself) I shall endeavor to present them in context, hopefully without missing the point.